and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
