remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
