Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
