I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
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