Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
