Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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