he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
