before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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