I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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