Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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