You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
The air taste purple.
Randomize
