I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
