Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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