I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
