Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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