Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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