you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
