Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
