Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
