She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
