I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
