It's like a parade of train wrecks.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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