it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
