Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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