if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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