I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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