Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
