Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
