Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
