he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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