Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
