I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
