from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
