My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
