I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
