Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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