I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
