I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
