I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Are my feet made of real feet?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
