sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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