I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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