smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
