break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
We need to get me chipped asap
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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