I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
