I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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