I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
