I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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