Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
