The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
