so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
