Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
