Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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