Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
