3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
