There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
