Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
